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Maybe the Pest Control of the Future?

October 10, 2017 admin

I am seriously running out of ideas for pest control, and by that, I mean it’s starting to affect my work.

And by affect my work, I mean it’s getting REALLY hard. We got a government grant for this research, but we’ve had to totally change our methods from the stated goal, and now…I’m really not sure if we’ll have anything by the deadline. Everyone wants more efficient ways of doing everything, all the time, because that’s just the world we live in I guess. Still, I thought we were onto something. We’ve got the support of Frankston based pest control companies, who also have a stake in being able to do their jobs easier. Still, the first method was a complete disaster. We designed this little bomb type thing that you place in the middle of a room. It would explode upon contact with water- it was just a prototype, mind you- after which it would release quite a lot of gas into the room. It was pretty much harmless to humans, but it would kill any insect it came into contact with. Thing is, it was TOO reactive to water. Even the slightest drop from any source and the whole bag of them would just explode.

Jeremy came up with this idea of a big whistle, too quiet for humans to hear but it would be heard by the termites and such, drawing them out of their holes. Turns out he lied on his resume, didn’t have a clue what he was doing and bluffed his way through the whole thing, wasting all of our time. Apparently whistling isn’t an insect thing. Good to know.

Maybe one day, Mornington’s best termite inspections can benefit from one of our great inventions. And when I say ‘one day’ I mean sometime in November, because that’s when our deadline is. Maybe my idea of a tiny, automatic pest controlling trebuchet will take off?

-Sue

The Desert Island Chronicles

October 8, 2017 admin

Day 42 on the island: Finally got the boat to work! Only for a few seconds, but I was able to fire up the motor using a combination of coconut juice, sand, tree sap and this weird moss I found on the underside of a rock. It took me weeks to gather the materials, and this attempt failed…but at least I know it works. If I get rescued and get back to Melbourne, outboard motor servicing is going to be revolutionised by this discovery. Probably. I know I’ll certainly be taking better care of my boat in the future, and maybe I’ll get some navigation lessons.

Day 75 on the island: You know, there are worse places to be stranded. This is a much nicer and more spacious place than those islands you often see in pictures, with the one palm tree and about four square feet of room. No, this one has a little jungle and some cliffs, plenty of really lovely beaches. I’m surprised a place this close to Melbourne hasn’t had a summer home built on it by some rich holidaymaker. Maybe when i get back, I’ll claim it as compensation. For my own stupidity.

Day 112 on the island: Alright…I think I managed to fix my anchor winch. It’s been broken for a while, but there was so much to fix that I’ve been neglecting it. Eventually it spoke up and told me, in the voice of a single mother from New Jersey, that the anchor winch is actually a vital part of keeping a boat in ship-shape. Silly me.

Day 174 on the island: Not only am I revolutionizing Melbourne’s outboard motor repair; I’m also advancing the cause of anchor winches. I’ve managed to fix mine with a bit of bamboo, and after all that nagging. The gangplank has been giving me lip, but I managed to fix that problem by fixing it a nice mossy stew. And Jeremy, my coconut friend? We’ve finally settled our political views and become fast friends. I’m not even sure I WANT to be rescued; I’ve made some GREAT companions on this island.

Elegance on Ice

August 22, 2017 admin

For the record, I’d just like to say that we were doing things on ice before it was cool. In the last five years, it seems like ice skating has exploded into this super sport. There’s that Yugoslavian guy with his inspirational biography and excellent teaching methods. And then in Docklands, ice skating rinks just seem to be everywhere, like it’s suddenly the ice skating rink capital of Australia. Now everyone’s talking about this new book about ice skating with your cat, which I think is just a load of rubbish, and…well, I’m sad. I used to be involved in a niche activity, and now it’s totally mainstream.

Still, I haven’t heard of a string quartet that ice skates at the same times as their performance, so me and the guys still have that to our name. The ‘Cryo Bros’ is our name, and we give unique performances at birthday party venues that also have ice skating rinks. For the first part we give a bit of a skating demonstration, a few of the crowd pleasing moves. Then we pull out the violins, play a jaunty shanty to get everyone in the mood…and that’s when things get interesting. I don’t know if it’s always what people are expecting, but that’s when we combine the two and give a performance that took two solid years to perfect. Ever seen someone do an ice skating somersault over another person while wearing a kilt? Or seen four guys performing synchronized pirouettes while serenading the audience with Winter of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons? That’s the showstopper, obviously. People love spinning, even more so than stuff that’s actually hard to pull off.

So at least we’ve got that. We’re just about to go on tour, having been picked up by a major music magazine. I’m hoping in other cities it’s more of our ‘thing’, you know? Ice skating in Victoria is pretty much us, so I guess we’re taking our awesome tunes to the masses. Taking them, and just sort of…hoping they enjoy them. But then it doesn’t matter if you miss a few notes in the middle of a somersault.

Please Don’t Neglect the Bathroom

August 15, 2017 admin

In my mind, the bathroom is the most important room of the house. Just think of all the things that are done in there that can only be done alone. Taking a shower can be the most relaxing and enjoyable part of your day, and that goes double if it’s a cold day and you’re using that opportunity to warm up. Brushing one’s teeth is certainly not a communal affair, but it is an important one if you want to keep eating solid food and smiling without people becoming afraid.

And…other things.

And yet, people neglect the bathroom when it comes to improving your home, because it’s the room that you spend the least time in, potentially. Not good enough. Bathroom renovations in Melbourne deserve to have a pride of position, because a good-looking bathroom equals a happy life. And then of course there’s the matter of guests, who will be judging you harshly on the state of your bathroom. How many times have you been to a bathroom outside of your own home and formed opinions of a person based of what you found? And who could forget the infamous ‘shower confusion’, where you’re staying in a place and you have to spend twenty minutes figuring out how to work the shower because it really is just a mass of buttons and shiny knobs that don’t seem to do anything. Is that the kind of shame you want to bring upon your guests?

I understand that brushing one’s teeth is not the most glamorous or ‘fun’ part of the day, but it can be made so much easier in pleasant surroundings. Like…say…a beautifully renovated bathroom. Gosh, wouldn’t you know it? It’s not like there aren’t bathroom renovators in Melbourne who’d be more than happy to help. Call it an obsession, say I judge too much, but I simply can’t walk into an ugly bathroom without wincing. Of course, cleaning helps.

-Niall

Expressing the soul of the garden

August 9, 2017 admin

At what point does an idea cross into the uncanny? I’m not really creative in that way, but I can tell that this isn’t going to end well. My son Mark recently won a garden design competition, and I’m really happy for him, but now he gets to decide what kind of landscaping he wants as a reward. Some guys are coming from Melbourne to sort our landscaping needs, and plant any trees we want. Great, fine, but the theme my son has chosen? Humans. Everything has to be shaped like humans.

I should’ve known, him with his art projects. And he’s seventeen, so I suppose he can make whatever decisions that he likes. I’m not sure I want him turning the family garden into the set of some macabre horror movie. The garden landscaping guys already showed us a mock-up of how the ground cover roses are going to look like a face. The designs are getting more involved as the process continues. It started with a row of hedges shaped like people in…odd poses. I’m not sure what they’re supposed to be doing, but it looked to me like they were in pain or trying to escape from something. I’ve been assured that the poses are ‘artistic expression’. I can’t say I know much about art but I know what I don’t like.

Once you get through the horror hedge, there’s a huge mural of a gaping face made with boulders, retaining walls and brindabella roses. Oh, and there’s a dip so you can see the face quite clearly from the top of the ridge. Pass around that piece of garden art and you enter what he called the ‘sanctum of expression’, basically a small maze of very large hedges that have been carved with faces, body parts, half-people who look like they’re trying to escape the garden. It could all be in my head, but maybe I’ll have another look around Melbourne to try and find gardens that may look similar. There must be some garden landscapers with more mainstream ideas.

Seeking The Perfect Party Venue

August 9, 2017 admin

Wait, didn’t Kathleen say she was going to do all the party invitations? Not that I mind, it’s just…Kathleen usually does that.

Personally, I think there’s a bit of a problem with delegation in this office. Yesterday I found out that Tony is my boss. I thought I was his boss! Judy is actually lower in the hierarchy than me and she still takes the priority car parking space and Harry is in charge of refilling the coffee pods. I’ve got it written down here: Harry is supposed to get the Coffee pods. Come on, Harry get your act together! I refill the toilet paper when it’s getting low, it’s the least I can do.

Alright, so it looks like party invitations are up to me! It’d be a lot easier if I knew where to go. I think Iris was looking around Melbourne for a corporate function venue that’d fit all of us, but I talked to her this morning and she said that Chris said to leave it all to him because he’s a party animal and he’s got it covered. Talked to Chris and he said he has no memory of the conversation, which makes sense. Everyone knows that Christine is the real party animal, so maybe Iris just wasn’t wearing her hearing aid. But then, Christine is on holiday for six weeks in Canada, so that’s a no-go as well.

So now I have to talk to the boss to get a party venue sorted out so I know where to address these invitations. The only problem thus far was that I don’t actually know who the party was for. I think it was supposed to be for a person…perhaps a retirement? It’s not Iris, because I just heard her talking in the meeting about next quarter and that old bird is never going to call it quits. Can’t be Rufus, since he hates parties, and speaking to people in general. If he ever left the company he’d just walk out the door and that’d be the last you’d hear of him.

Right, so I’m finding the best party venue in Melbourne. Somewhere with very neutral décor and a lot of space to dance. I’ll be printing the invitations without any specifics…oh, and it looks like I’m going to have to pick a date, because Talia lost the minutes we took of the meeting where we decided all that stuff. Then I have to buy toilet paper. What a week!

Bathroom Shops, Places of Excitement

August 7, 2017 admin

I’m in the minority here, but I love exploring bathroom shops. Also, carpet shops and garden centres, but mostly, I just like exploring bathroom places. I’ve always liked DIY, so that’s definitely something to do with it. I mean, it’s like wandering around IKEA except everything is incredibly shiny. You go and have a look at a bathtub, but it’s the display model so it’s like a shining example of what that bath is going to look like when it’s installed in your home. And don’t even get me started on the huge variety of taps. Taps are aesthetically pleasing enough without twenty of them all being in a row, perfectly polished and brand new.

Obviously, we’re thinking of bathroom renovations. Melbourne is a new start for us, so we thought we’d buy a fixer-upper and do all the work by ourselves. Rob isn’t quite as interested as me, but still, I keep managing to find reasons to go and visit the bathroom place. Maybe the smell is something to do with it as well…just, so NEW. And then I could honestly spend hours flipping through the magazines that show you what your new bathroom could look like, so I can see why Rob doesn’t want to come with me. He probably won’t care about the bathroom we choose as long as it works, but I’m more of a perfectionist. I need to pick the EXACT bathroom renovation dream project, and it has to look exactly the same as I’m imagining it in my head. What I’m saying is that the upstairs shower is going to be out of commision for a while while we get this done.

I’m also micromanaging the finding of good bathroom renovators in Melbourne, because we need the best if my dream is going to come true. I’d like to do it all myself, but alas…work, children and life are getting in the way. I’ll just have to oversee this one.

-Maude